I’ve been in Washington DC less than a week and we’ve had an earthquake and are now facing the possibility of a visit from Hurricane Irene.
It’s all over the news, I hear. I wouldn’t know– I don’t own a TV. I was surprised to hear it from my grandmother early this afternoon. Usually I hear these kinds of things from my mom.
Moms are funny. Case Study:
You can sit next to my mom and have a whole conversation just for her to turn around and say, “Oh, did you say something?”. Yet if on the other side of a crowded restaurant a person says something about DC, it is like her bionic mom ears turn on and suddenly she will hear every single word. Or gruesome stories about death–the more heartwrenching, tragic and bloody the better. Mom ears only pick up information that they find useful, which is information that can be used to guilt-trip their children later.
I have a theory:
In Pokemon, the characters evolved from one form to another. So you start with this adorable creature……and it grows into this terrifying creature.
The evolution of the female ear:
- Little Girls Ears– They hear everything and repeat it in adorable ways. Not much different from Little Boy Ears.
- Girlfriend Ears– Capable of hearing and remembering things like your favorite food so they can make it for you. But this is where things get scary….
- Wife Ears– Primarily function by hearing anything that could possibly be interpreted as flirting with other women. (related: wife eyes which cannot find their car keys or cell phone but aptly notice you checking out the waitress)
- …then finally–the most dreaded–Mom Ears.
So I was surprised to miss on the usual paranoid rant that would my mom would give me about how she heard Washington DC was going to have a terrible hurricane and how once someone told her about this time where some girl was all alone and far away from her family and [insert gruesome and terrible story-probably gory] and then she died. Alas, the day is young.
Still, I have to come to terms with the fact that something peculiar is going on with DC weather. As Dr. House says, there is no such thing as simply coincidence. Therefore, being the classic egocentric that I am, I can think of only a few possibilities of why these things are happening:
- God is warning me (negative). There was thunder as the plane landed, an UNnatural natural disaster shook the city, and now a hurricane may invade my swampy residence? Maybe He’s sitting up there on his fluffy cloud saying “Hey girl, what more can I do then buy your ticket home?”
- God is testing my resolve (positive). It’s my first time away from home by myself, I made it through the snowstorm the first time, now He’s looking down on me through those pearly gates and saying, “I just want you to know that you can make it through anything. If you make it through this first week, NOTHING can stop you, girl!” (I don’t know why these versions of God are a flamboyant gay man)
- The world is ending. I have nothing to add.
Clearly, it is extremely reasonable to believe that God would go through all the trouble of making these things happen JUST to give me a little life guidance.I can’t help it that he loves me more than he loves you.
A toast, to the end of the world.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”
~Erma Bombeck (a new favorite by suggestion of a friend of my grandmother)