Goodbyes


imagesToday was my ByeByeQ. Do you appreciate the play on words? It was way more clever before my parents decided to have it catered by Panda Express. I guess we invited people over for Ciao Mein. Get it? It should be Chow Mein, but I wrote Ciao like goodbye. I clarified in case my brothers should ever accidentally stumble upon this page and attempt to read this. Hey guys, if you still don’t get it–ask mom to explain it. Wow, that was bitchy.

So I leave for DC on Thursday.

I know your next logical question, “Are you excited?”

I keep getting the question but for the last couple months its made me speechless. I find myself saying what I know people expect to hear:

– Yes, so excited. Nervous, but excited. I’m going to miss my family. It’s a huge step, but its what I’ve been working for.

What did I really want to say?

– Um, yeah, I don’t feel a goddamn thing.

To be honest, I don’t think many people were convinced by the charade before so today I decided to own up to my feelings or lack thereof. I explained how I’m sure it would hit me once I started on my way, or when I finally get there.

I’m not a cold hard bitch (well at least not because of this), I’ve heard similar things from my other friends. They will remain nameless- no one should be outed via blog- but there is something very complex that only other people in this situation could understand.

And then suddenly, during the middle of the day I realized I’d been hit by the emotion bus. Every time I wanted to open my mouth I didn’t know if I was going to laugh or cry or scream. It was as if all the feelings I’d been missing hit me all at once. I imagine that is what hardcore drugs are like- overwhelming, encompassing your entire body and then suddenly, you are void once again. Everything within you feeling drained in a come down fog. I stress this is what I IMAGINE hardcore drugs to be like.

Then my family trails out unit by unit, and I’m left in a house all by myself in the equivalent of a maddening post-apocalyptic silence. I realize this is what I’m moving toward. For as uncomfortable all their noise is to me, the silence might be worse. At least the chaos and its dull roar act as insulation between me and my own thoughts.

On Thursday, I’m handing over my one-way ticket and boarding a plane to DC by myself. On Thursday, I can no longer avoid my reality. On Thursday, my life will change forever.

Another toast, “To family.”

I been a long time leaving but I’m going to be a long time gone.
~Willie Nelson

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